What Does God Want Me To Do?
My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years, married for one. We are both under 30 and we have thriving careers, but our lifestyle is based on our joint income. He has an 11 year old son from his previous relationship and we have an 18 month old daughter together.
We have always had a tumultuous relationship. both of us have had anger issues. When the littlest things happened I would become unbelievably vicious. There have been several times when we were going to break up but we never did, for some reason we keep coming back.
There have always been issues of insecurity and jealousy on my part. He has some very deep rooted issues with his parents from when he was a child. His mother left him in the care of other family members and was irresponsible. His father did not parent him at all, even though he drove the school bus that my husband rode everyday.
We both have been exposed to church through our family who made us attend church when we were younger. However, I began to develop a relationship with God almost immediately after we were married.
About three months into our marriage, we had the worst fight that we have ever had. Both of us at one point or another during that time said that we wanted a divorce. This fight lasted almost 3 months with us having minimal interactions and him sleeping on the couch and not wearing his wedding band because I took mine off first. After, I just kind of figured that I had done everything I could in that situation. I focused strongly on my own behaviors that were not pleasing to God in my role as a wife, and I even did the LOVE DARE. I just let it go and figured "I'll just deal with whatever comes".
He finally approached me about reconciling and so we were improving after that. I continued to focus on strengthening my relationship with God and I have been making changes that are almost a complete 180 from what I used to be. I seek the guidance of the married women at my church to help me do what I am called to do as a Christian wife. My husband does not have a relationship with God, at least that I know of, and shows no interest in surrounding himself with men who do have a relationship with God and can help him be the husband that God has called him to be.
Most recently, there has been issues with us not being intimate, and I finally convinced him to talk because when these talks came up in the past, he paid big time for it. At first he was really apprehensive about telling me the things that were bothering him because he said that he was worried about hurting my feelings. When he unloaded this stuff, he talked about me not being sexy (in attitude), having gained some weight (I am not overweight, but I have a bit of a pudge left from my pregnancy and lack of exercise)and sex is predictable/boring. So in all of this, I took some time to really consider whether there was any truth to this and it was, although some of it I can't do much about. I asked him if he wanted a divorce because those were problems that I wasn't sure I could do anything about and he said no, further explaining that sex is not everything and when we are intimate and both focused it is very pleasurable.
So, I started to take more time to do things to make me feel sexy (getting back in shape, wearing sexy underwear, etc...)and I did not force on him, any of the changes that I felt like he needed to make like being more outgoing, showing more affection, letting me know that I'm important to him, etc....A few weeks after this conversation, my husband blows a gasket after we seen a movie where he made a statement about a woman being attractive and I half-jokingly said that it was disrespectful and went on to watch the rest of the movie and laugh about it. When we left, we were riding with another couple whom we are close friends with, the wife asked if we had learned anything from the movie and my husband immediately went on a long and irate rant about how marriage is not for him, he's unhappy, he can't be himself, I killed his sex drive, my insecurities make me unattractive, he's going to move out of our house and other things that were equally hateful but I can't remember them all.
I made the statement "You are really over-reacting, is this really the right time to be talking about this" twice. Since all of this was taking place while we were riding back to the couple's home with them because we had rode in my husband's car to their house. When we got there, my husband proceeded to ask them would one of them take me home, he would give them gas money, he didn't want me in his car. He took me home because they told him they were not going to do that and he needed to take his wife home. Well, he was non-responsive the whole way home and insisted that I get out of his car when we were in our drive way. I did and he left and went to spend the night at the couple's house.
The next morning, was a Sunday, he came home early in the morning because I had to work and I later found out that he went to church (my mother-in-law and I are members of the same church). This entire time, I have said nothing and have made myself sparsely present. It has been almost a week and his demeanor has seemed slightly dejected to me, I assumed it was because I did not retaliate when he was being hateful (which is completely opposite of what I would have done in the past)and thought he might feel guilty about it. Several people that we mutually encounter have asked me if he was ok because he seemed down.
Last night, I sought more guidance from my pastor's wife and she suggested that once again I extend the olive branch and offer to help him because this can't possibly really be about the movie. Well, I did that and my fear of being rejected was realized because he said nothing was wrong with him and that he meant most of what he said and didn't know what to do. He didn't say that he wanted a divorce although he made it clear that he feels like we don't connect.
I have been praying consistently, even prior to this incident, for my husband because he is being eaten alive by his childhood and he can't live a full life because he hasn't dealt with these things, at least that is my perspective. I keep reading about what I should do in this situation, I feel like I'm in limbo and I feel my PRIDE issue returning (he has the same problem to an even more severe extent and he is also stubborn).
I feel stupid for reaching out to him when he was the one that was wrong. I have been feeling like, for a long time, that I'm supposed to be the example for him to see, so that he can build a relationship with God, but at the same time, I can't imagine that I'm supposed to endure his temper tantrums that are emotionally draining for me.
I also feel confused because on one hand, it is stated very clearly that God has favor on marriage but on the other hand, if our marriage does not work then is that God breaking us apart?
Does God only have favor on marriages that he put together, if so, how do we know whether or not ours is one he put together? We had Christian counseling before marriage, but he has refused to do it since then. I am finding myself in an awkward position because I don't feel comfortable constantly putting myself out there because I don't trust him in the sense that anytime something minute goes wrong he's ready to give up. At the same time, I don't want a divorce, I meant my marriage vows.
I am scared to death that God will not restore our marriage and that just sends me into a snowball of worrying about all the ramifications behind a divorce (our house, our children, finances, etc.). I struggled big time today with some hateful and harmful thoughts about him because I feel like a fool for constantly breaking and trying to reconcile after one of his hissy fits.
What am I supposed to do? Is this something that God is breaking apart because it wasn't in His will? I have been praying fervently for my husband to have peace, to be filled with the Holy Spirit so that he can see his necessity for God and that his heart can be softened. I have also prayed for him to be protected against the enemy's attack on his mind and to surround him with God-fearing individuals that can guide him.
I am so confused because I feel like I am doing what I should be doing, but things seem to just get worse. Am I missing something? Has anyone ever been in a situation like this, how did you know what God wanted you to do? I was really hoping that when he went to church the Sunday after this incident that it was God convicting his heart and softening him, because he NEVER goes to church (except occasionally for holidays). I don't know if that was the enemy deceiving me with wishful thinking, or if it was God?
Should I just prepare myself for a divorce and protect myself from my husband because this last incident was super harsh and unpredictable. Somebody help me, I feel like this is too much for me to bear considering I'm still a babe in Christ and this is too much too soon.