Surviving Divorce

You can go beyond merely surviving divorce to growing and thriving through it. Divorce does not have to be the end. It can be the beginning of a new season in your life; a season in which you grow spiritually, emotionally and mentally as you face new challenges head on.

Recovering from your divorce will require that take responsibility for your past, your present, yourself, and your future.

It may not be easy to identify where you need to confess and repent. When you pray and ask God to show you areas requiring repentance, He will faithfully and gently reveal them to you (Psalm 139:23). This process is not meant to make you feel guilty and feel bad about yourself. It is meant to help you identify areas you can grow in that will help you conform to the likeness of Christ, heal hurts from the past and give you hope after divorce.

There are two people in a marriage. While it is possible that your spouse terminated your marriage or their actions were the cause of divorce, there may be ways you contributed to it's demise as well.

For example, if your spouse had substance abuse problems or addictions and you enabled them by covering up their behavior or making excuses for them. Enabling and codependency tend to go hand in hand. In order to avoid ending up in a similar dysfunctional relationship, it is important to get the Christian counseling and help you need to identify what is in your heart that draws you to those kinds of relationships.

There are many sources of emotional support availabe to assist you in dealing with those issues as you work at surviving divorce.

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What can you do today?

Maybe your spouse just left you and today, all you want to do is stay in bed and cry. Well today, you can cry out to the Lord and trust in Him to help you (Proverbs 3:5, 6)? Maybe a few days or weeks have passed and you are able to begin putting the pieces back together. Maybe today, you can begin to look after some of the financial changes you will need to make like going to the bank and opening your own account or cancelling joint credit cards. Maybe it has been a year or more you are ready to begin the process of filing for divorce. Whatever the case is, you do not have to do it all today. Do what you can do today and write the rest down to do another day.

Often in marriages, there are many things one spouse or the other looks after. When you find yourself alone, there will be many things you now need to be responsible for that you may not have had to look after before. Each time you do something new for yourself, you build up your confidence and self-esteem. The more you learn to do things for yourself, the more you realize you are not only surviving divorce but are beginning to thrive.

Let me give you an example of what I mean. A woman came into my office after her husband left her. She was devastated and lost. After she graduated high school, she married and has been at home with her children ever since. She has never worked, never handled any finances, and never made any decisions for herself short of what to cook and what to do with the children that day.

She trusted God and began to deal with each issue as it came up. She made the phone calls and did the leg work she needed to do to take care of herself and her kids. As she did this, she soon realized she can be the mother her kids need her to be and look after herself and them with God’s help.

She grew from needing her husband to look after her, to a woman who knows she can manage if she needs to. Now, instead of approaching her husband as a needy and fearful wife, she can work at restoring the relationship on the basis of love and respect instead of out of desperation. It wasn’t easy. She had to ask a lot of people a lot of questions to find the resources and information she needed. Now, she is thriving in her new life not just surviving divorce thanks to God's help as He carried her through it all.

The same can be true for you. Put your trust in God and take each day one at a time. Ask yourself each day – “What can I do today and what can go on my list for another day?”

Are there programs offered in your community that are designed to help people surviving divorce? Programs that provide legal advice, child care, parenting information, education or job placement? Reaching out for help and finding programs and services that can assist you during this difficult time in your life can be very beneficial. Knowledge is power. If you are struggling with an issue, keep asking questions until you find the answer or someone who can direct you to the answer.

Are there people in your church or community that are knowledgeable about areas you don’t feel equipped to deal with? For example, if your husband always looked after buying cars and you find yourself needing to buy your first car, is there someone who is a mechanic or a car buff that would be willing help you choose a good car?

Are there financial decisions that need to be made regarding things such as employment and housing? If so, what is one step you can make today to deal with them? Can you go to a job bank or check want ads? Do you need to update your resume? Do you need to upgrade your education? If you need to sell your home, have you done anything to prepare your home to go on the market like minor repairs or deep cleaning?

Do you need to look after legal issues regarding separation or divorce. Do you have a separation agreement in place? Are you able to do your own divorce? Are there steps to healing you can implement in your life? What can you do to be an active part of your divorce healing?

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Surviving divorce spiritually means that instead of turning from God in your time of need, you turn to him through prayer, reading the Bible and praise. It means placing your hope in Him and trusting Him for divorce healing and comfort. It means trusting God as your source of provision and your source of peace that cannot be understood by man (Philippians 4:7).

The stress and emotional roller coaster during a separation and divorce may manifest itself physically as fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.

Even though you may not feel like it, the first thing you can do for yourself is get dressed and brush your teeth and hair. Initially, you may not want to get out of bed or get dressed because you may be so distraught that you don't see the point. For a day or two, hanging out in your pj’s is not really a bad thing but the longer you go without getting dressed and ready to face your day, the harder it will become to do it. Besides, everyone feels better when they are clean, dressed and looking good.

Eat healthy and exercise. It can be very easy during high stress times in your life to abandon good habits. You have surely seen the dejected girlfriend in movies who turns to her ice cream when she is dumped. Personally, my comfort food is chocolate. While chocolate in small amounts is not harmful, replacing a spouse with it is.

We all know exercise is good for us but did you know it can also help with depression and anxiety. The Mayo Clinic outlines some of the reasons for that, in their article ”Depression and anxiety: Exercise eases symptoms.” Essentially, exercise releases feel good chemicals in your brain such as neurotransmitters and endorphins that actually make you feel better.

Because your immune system can be lowered during periods of grief and high stress, it is more important than ever to look after your health. The last thing you need is to be sick on top of surviving divorce.

Some other things you can do to look after yourself may be to join a small Bible study group (grow spiritually and make some new friends), take a course (build confidence and perhaps new job skills), take up a hobby, join an exercise group or club or even volunteer to help those less fortunate than you (nothing lifts you up like helping others, plus it puts your own difficulties into perspective). There are many things you can do within your budget and the time you have to look after yourself and to begin building your new life.

Since your goal is not merely surviving divorce, but recovery, you will want to learn more about divorce healing and some practical steps to healing you can begin implementing right now.

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What about a new relationship? The biggest mistake I see people make after a separation or divorce is getting involved in another relationship too quickly. First and foremost, you are still married until you have filed for divorce and have received your certificate of divorce. Beginning a relationship before you are even single does present some issues. Secondly, if you do not take the time you need to heal and to work through whatever issues you had in your last marriage, you are bound to carry them forward to the next one. Trust God to know when you are ready. God knows who, if anyone, is supposed to be with you and He will make sure that you find each other when the time is right.

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