Successful DatingSuccessful dating can be achieved by applying some basic principles for setting a good foundation for a relationship. Finding a mate begins with pursuing God. Seek God and his righteousness first and everything you need will be provided. (Matthew 6:33) God knows where your mate is. Abide in Him and pray. He will not lead you astray. Successful dating and a subsequent successful Christian marriage results from dating Christians. Paul cautions Christians not to be unequally yoked to unbelievers. (2 Corinthians 6:14) That is not to say we should not be friends with the unsaved in an effort to share God’s love and the gospel with them. However, when it comes to marriage, Christians, if not already married to an unbeliever, should seek to marry a Christian instead of an unbeliever. I have had many people share with me that the person they married said they were a Christian but since they married, there has been no sign of Christian behavior. When they thought about it, they realized there was no evidence of faith before they married either, even though they said they were. True followers of Christ are those who obey his commands and love one another. (1 John 2:3-11) Successful Dating can only come from dating people who are actually single. If you are divorced, chances are, you are not a teenager anymore. Chances are also pretty good that a significant portion of the "fish" in your dating pool have been married before. The first question you need to ask is “Is their divorce final?” If they are merely separated, they are still married. There is still a chance the marriage can be restored, especially if their are no third parties are involved. Consider the situation from their spouse’s point of view. You are engaging in a relationship with their husband or wife, whom they may very well be attempting to resolve issues with so they can save their marriage. How can they honestly and objectively deal with those issues if their spouses emotions and motives are confused by their involvement in a relationship with a third party? Another key to successful dating is to consider the deal breakers. What drove you crazy in your first marriage? I am not talking about simple things like leaving socks on the floor but the big things like – Did they cut you off from having friends? Did they have anger issues? Did they have addictions that caused problems? Did they constantly put you down and belittle you in public? Make a list of those things that you know you absolutely cannot deal with and avoid people with those behaviors. Behaviors or attitudes your first spouse had that were toxic to the relationship, if present in a prospective partner, will be just at toxic in a new relationship. It is important to identify your weaknesses. What old behavior patterns did not work in previous relationships? Do you have a need to please? Are you able to set reasonable boundaries or do you allow people to walk all over you? Do you have a fear of intimacy and therefore fail to be open and honest with your prospective mate? Do you tend to dominate and control other people? Nobody expects you to be perfect but knowing your weaknesses can help you be aware of them when they present themselves and enable you to modify your behavior so it fosters a healthy relationship. Consider their financial situation. You are grown up now and unlike when you started dating as a teenager, you are looking to date adults. Money is often the biggest issue that causes conflict in a marriage so it is a good idea to look at that right from the start. I am not implying that you need to find someone who makes a lot of money. What I am saying is, be wary of how they treat the money they do have. Avoid someone who is carrying a lot of debt. Now obviously, most people will have a mortgage and possibly a car loan. Those are normal living expenses. But, if they have a lot of consumer debt, it can be an indication of compulsive spending, poor money management or even that they are still recovering from the financial aftermath of their divorce. If you marry someone with excessive debt, that debt becomes your problem as well. Successful dating means taking time to get to know each other and being honest. Ask a lot of questions and be honest and open. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about their role and performance in their previous marriage/relationships, finances, issues, struggles, relationship with their children (if they have them) and their parents. You want to eliminate any surprises down the road. Be aware of, honest about and understand your differences. Pretending to be something you are not is not a good foundation to build a relationship on. Some differences may not be at all compatible like a Christian dating someone who practices witchcraft. However, some differences are areas that may require compromise like one preferring to live in the country and one preferring the city. Perhaps a home with a large yard in the suburbs would be agreeable to both. Don’t rush it. Successful dating is not a race to the alter. Date a year, eighteen months or more before getting married. Take that time to really get to know each other. Do some pre-marital counseling. Even though you have been married before, it is worth taking the extra time to make sure it is right and going to work the second time around. A little extra time to be sure will pay great dividends in the end.
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