Restoration, Is That Different Than Reconciliation?

Restoration begins with reconciliation. Reconciliation is moving from a position of enemies to one of friendship or allies. When a marriage breaks down, there are usually high levels of anger, frustration and hostility between the husband and wife. Reconciliation moves you from the place of wanting to “stick it them” and get revenge to a place of “we are on the same team here, lets work this out”.

In restoring a marriage to its previous state of joy and cooperation or an even better relationship than what existed prior the current crisis, time is your friend. Emotions can be raw, trust broken, and feelings of betrayal may exist. It is unrealistic to expect everything to be back to normal immediately.

What Must Happen For Restoration To Take Place?

1. Confession – There must a genuine effort by both parties to identify and confess (James 5:16) behaviours and attitudes that were contributing causes of divorce that lead to your relationship breakdown. Not so it can be dismissed, but so it can be forgiven and dealt with. Avoid the temptation to minimize the hurt you have felt. Honesty is essential to relationship repair.

2. Forgiveness - Both parties must choose to forgive the hurt and offences of the past. Holding on to anger and resentment will prevent you from moving forward.

3. Repentance – Now this may be tricky. While it is all well and good to say you are sorry for something and to ask for forgiveness, it means nothing unless that behaviour stops. If your spouse caught you cheating on them, just because you said you were sorry does not mean you can keep doing it. You must also repent.

To repent means to turn around, to go the other way, to do things differently than before. So, in the case of cheating on your spouse, you would stop cheating and begin to live faithful to your marriage.

Repentance may require some outside help. If it was an addiction, for example, that caused the breakdown of the relationship, a support group or recovery group can be very helpful at providing the tools and encouragement needed to learn to live without the source of your addiction.

Christian support groups, if available, would be even better because they will help direct you to the only One who is able to give you the power to overcome (1 Corinthians 10:13).

4. Making a Commitment – Marriage is a two way street and so is restoration. Both parties need to make a renewed commitment to doing whatever it takes to restore the marriage. That may include changes in lifestyle, seeking Christian counseling, giving up some activities or reorganizing priorities to put the marriage relationship at the top of the list (second only to your relationship with God).

If both parties are not willing to make the commitment does that mean there is no hope at all? Not necessarily. This is where Godly wisdom is important. You see, God knows our hearts. He knows what each one of us is going to do long before we do it (Acts 1:24, Proverbs 15:3, Psalm 139:1-18). You will need to spend time in prayer seeking God’s direction for your marriage (James 1:5-6). He is the only one who has the right answer. Don’t give up praying until you know what God wants you to do, and then do it.

Maybe you will have to take the first steps. Maybe once your spouse sees your sincerity and your desire for restoration, they will be willing to work at it too. Maybe they won't. Trust God that if he has asked you to continue to persue restoration, He has a reason. His ways are not the same as ours (Isaiah 55:8-9).

You must continue to pray for your marriage relationship asking for God’s guidance everyday. You cannot change your spouse; you can only change yourself with God’s help. You may even find that as God works on your heart that some of the issues you had with your spouse are no longer issues.

5. Rebuilding Trust - Trust is not a gift like forgiveness is; it is something that has to be earned. In order for the marriage to be fully restored, trust must be re-established. This will take time.

If you are the one who has violated the trust bond in the relationship you will need to be willing to extend to your mate all the time they need for trust to be restored.

If you are the one whose trust has been violated, be clear about what you need from your partner to help you trust them again and be reasonable. Asking them never to leave the house again as long as they live so they can’t cheat on you, is not a reasonable request. Asking them to sever contact with the person with whom they had extra-marital relations
with, is.

Has Your Marriage Been Restored?

Tell us how! Sharing your story may help someone else experience restoration in their marriage.

Return from Restoration to Save Your Marriage

Return from Restoration to what The Bible Says

Return to Christian Divorce Support Online

New! Comments