Loss of Spousal Love

I found this forum by looking at divorce attorneys just to see what may be involved.

I'm in a difficult place in a marriage of 20 years. It's all my fault, I don't really know why it's happened, but here I am. I love my wife as a good Christian woman, and the mother of my kids, but I no longer love her as a wife.

I went to both secular counseling, and counseling with my pastor. I had gotten some good advice, I want to obey God, but I just don't want to be married anymore. Because of how I am feeling (or not feeling) it just isn't fair to my wife especially. I know that love is a choice, not a feeling. My pastor told me the same thing. But what do you do when it gets to the point where kissing your wife is like kissing your sister? We haven't been intimate for over six months now, because it has become distasteful to me.

We dated for 4 years, and I figured that it was just that time to get engaged. After about a year, the plans were made and the wedding was set. I don't recall the conversation at all, but my family told me that I had second thoughts. When told that I didn't have to go through with it, I blew it off as cold feet, and said that the plans were made, date set, and the invitations were all mailed out. I'll go through with it. We married and things were OK for a few years. We had kids and got on with the business of life. They are now in their late teens. I will admit that I can be somewhat oversensitive about things at times, and I have my share of flaws. I also like a woman to enjoy cuddling, and be softer. Her background is such that she's rather stoic, and if anything were to ever happen sexually, I would have to initiate it or it wouldn't happen. She can be somewhat "demanding" in her manner, but she is a good woman. My family recently revealed that from the beginning, they had thought that we were wrong for each other. Not that either of us were bad or wrong, just not right for each other, but everyone kept silent.

This past few years I really began to feel less and less romantic love for her. Now it's at the point where although I love and respect her as a person, the desire for intimacy is gone. Again, I understand love being a choice and not a feeling. I choose to love her as a person and a Christian. I treat her with respect and kindness. We live together as great roomates, we rarely argue, and we help each other with the daily business of life, but no romance. She is really hurt, but still loves me, wants intimacy, and a good marriage, but I just can't seem to give her what I know I'm supposed to.

My pastor of course covered scripture with me and basically mirrored everything that you have here on your site. He did agree though that this is sin on my part, but God does hate the sin yet loves the sinner. He suggested more Christian counseling, but stated that if there is absolutely no foundational love left to save, then I must choose my pain. The pain of staying in a loveless marriage to try to honor God as best as possible by avoiding divorce, or by allowing the divorce that she will likely ask for eventually, and ask God for his forgiveness and mercy for causing the break of the marriage covenant.

I have such overwhelming feelings of guilt. Especially because I am very attracted to another woman now, who I have no business even thinking about. Temptation has entered the picture because she has stated that she is attracted to me too. This is coupled with a lack of love and intimacy at home for some time now. I hate myself because of my sin, my guilt, and this mess that I have caused.

I feel that it is unfair to my wife to stay in this marriage and emotionally abandoning her. This is sin and against God's will. However, if I allow a divorce to take place, I am guilty of the sin of divorce and I've also violated God's word.

I am afraid of God's wrath because of my sin, no matter which choice I make. I swear that I would do anything to be sure that her financial needs and those of the kids are always met. She has been a stay at home mom for the past 18 years. I'll live under a bridge before I allow them to do without anything. I love them all unconditionally, but despite prayer, counseling, and soul searching with the scriptures, I just cannot seem to find a solution. I know what God expects from me and what I'm commanded to do. Scripture is very clear. However, whatever romantic love that I may have had before, appears to be dead.

If I end up divorced, I will have trouble forgiving myself, and I believe that I will carry that guilt for the rest of my life. Especially if I try to re-marry someday, fearing that I'll be an adulterer and that I will cause someone else to be an adulterer too.

I won't ask her for a divorce, but I don't know how long she will tolerate this situation. If she asks for the divorce, it's still all my fault, and I know that God will hold me accountable.

Anyone out there with any new suggestions?