Can You Forgive Yourself And Others Just As God Forgave You?

There are three aspects of forgiveness to consider when dealing with divorce:
- God with respect to your sins
- you with respect to others
- you with respect to yourself.

Maybe you’re thinking “It just hurts too much. I don’t want to forgive”. Why Should You?

Does God Forgive You?

When God forgives you, he is not saying what you did was okay. What he is saying is that because you have admitted you have sinned, you have put your faith in Jesus and repented, the death penalty for your sin has been removed (Colossians 2:13, Hebrews 8:12). Now when God looks at you, he does not see that sin separating you from Him, he sees his child covered by the righteousness of Christ.

Admitting your own sin can be difficult, can’t it? It is easy to see how others hurt you, didn’t do what you wanted them to do, didn’t give you what you needed or maybe even broke your marriage covenant. But, when it comes to owning and dealing with how you may have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, well, that can be a bit more difficult. Human nature is to believe you are right and see things only from your own point of view. The problem with this view is that it is often clouded by your emotions, your history and your own biases about life.

Let me be very clear here – if your spouse committed adultery or was abusive, you are in no way responsible for that. You may be responsible for difficulties in the marriage but your spouse made a conscious choice to violate your marriage covenant or to be abusive. That choice is never justified by what problems may or may not have existed within the marriage.

What do you need to confess ?

The Christian life is an ongoing growth process. Spend time with God in prayer and reading his Word and ask God to reveal to you any areas where you may have contributed to the tension in your marriage.

Do you have unrealistic expectations?

Are past hurts or baggage from other relationships affecting your marriage?

Are you harboring sin in your heart – pride, jealousy, envy, bitterness, unforgiveness, lust or lies?

As God speaks to your heart, confess and agree with him about any part you have played in the breakdown of your marriage. God grants a pardon to your sin immediately and completely.

Once you have confessed, ask God to help you overcome those sins in your life. Romans 12:2 instructs us to renew our minds so we won’t conform to the ways of this world. Renewing your mind involves finding out what God’s will is for each area of your life.

For example, pride. God’s word is clear about pride – it precedes destruction (Proverbs 16:18) and God resists the proud (James 4:6). The Bible tells us we are to be humble instead of proud (Philippians 2:3). So to begin to overcome pride in your life, you must first agree with God that it is better to be humble. Then, ask for the Holy Spirit to give you the wisdom and strength to overcome pride in your life and to help you be humble instead.

Have a great story about God's forgiveness at work in your life? Share your story!

Can You Let Yourself
Off The Hook?

If God, the highest power in the universe, the Creator of all things, can acquit you, what makes you think you have the power to override his decision? By refusing to forgive yourself for something God has cleared you of, you in essence are saying you have higher standards than God.

“But I Feel So Guilty…”

Guilt is not from God. The enemy will use guilt to further inflict pain and suffering on both you and your spouse. Once a sin is confessed, you are no longer guilty in God’s eyes. That is not to say that the hard work of reconciling the effects of that sin are no longer exists, but, you do not have to wallow in feelings of guilt.

Holding on to guilt taints your ability to set things right. If everything you do for your spouse and family is done because you feel guilty, you are trying to make yourself feel better, not show them love. Your family likely recognizes your insincerity.

When you confess your sin and forgive yourself, you will feel regret for what you have done. You will recognize the hurt and pain you have caused your spouse and family and will want to do whatever you can, out of love, to help heal their hurt and pain.

Have a great story about how whether or not you forgive yourself affects your life? Share your story!

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Can You Bury the Hatchet
With Your Spouse?

What does it mean? It means we surrender those who have wronged us to God and allow God to be the judge and to exact justice. It does not mean we are saying what they have done is okay. There will still be consequences for actions taken.

It does not mean that trust is automatically restored. Trust is earned. Forgiveness is a gift.

If you have breached the trust of your spouse, be prepared to earn their trust back. Be prepared also, that it may take a significant amount of time to earn it back.

If you are the spouse who has been betrayed, even though you have wiped the slate clean with your spouse, you are apt to have difficulty trusting them again. That is normal. Take the time you need to make sure that trust is rebuilt. In the interest of restoring the relationship, be clear about what you need from your spouse for them to earn that trust back.

For example, if your spouse cheated on you. In order for them to regain your trust, you might need to know they have ended that extramarital relationship. You might also need to be assured they no longer have any contact with that person - face to face, via phone, email, messenger, facebook, twitter etc.

Have a great story about forgiving your spouse or your spouse forgiving you? Share your story!

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Why Should You Forgive?

The second reason is that when you consider the staggering cost of forgiveness that Christ paid for all your sins, how can you do anything but forgive others?

The third reason is that if you do not, that anger and resentment will take root in your heart and grow into bitterness giving the devil a foothold in your life (Ephesians 4:26-27). Bitterness will eventually affect all of your relationships as you react to life from the standpoint of a victim who deserves something more.

To pardon others is more for your own benefit than it is for the person you are forgiving. It frees your heart to live life instead of obsessing about getting revenge and having justice. Forgiveness is the first step in saving your marriage.

Last and certainly not least is, that as Christians, we follow Jesus Christ who set the example for us. Jesus teaches us to forgive and to love our enemies (Ephesians 4:32). Even as he was hanging on the cross badly beaten and near death, he asked God not to bear any malice for those who did that to him (Luke 23:34). We are to do likewise. No matter how deep the wound or how horrible the offense, we are to turn the other cheek and love our enemies.

Loving your enemies is easier to do if you pray for them. It is hard to hate someone you are praying for. God will show you his heart for them and you can begin to pray in agreement with God’s will for their life - that they will be reconciled to God and to others.

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Is There Something You or Your Spouse Can't Forgive?

Share your story about what you or your spouse have been unable to forgive.

Have you or your spouse been able to forgive something that you didn't think anyone could ever forgive? Relate what impact that had on your relationship.

What Other Visitors Have Said About Forgiving

Click on the links below to read how others have wrestled with forgiveness. They were all written by other visitors to this page.

What does the Bible say about Reconciliation?

Is there Hope after Divorce?

Return to The Bible Says

Return to Christian Divorce Support

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