Divorcing in progress

by Jon
(Spartanburg, SC)

Please note that this story is explicitly graphic. Do not read if you are easily offended by sexual material.


This all began when my wife and I had been married for about 3 years. I hadn't been a good Christian since I was about 15 years of age.

I must preface by saying that I do not partake in consuming too much alcohol on a regular basis, but only a handful of times per year. But this night, which was Christmas eve, I did. Well, my wife and I called it a night. I laid down on the bed, blackout drunk, and she took a shower. In that time, I got up and joined her. I don't really remember any of this, but I forced her to have sex with me in the shower. She never told me of this until recently.

On another occasion we were having drunken sex and I tried to have anal sex with her. While sober, I think this is immoral and disgusting. She tells me recently that this caused her to slowly fall out of love with me.

Since these times, nothing had went on. I kind of fell into a dark place where I didn't want to do anything with her or my 3 girls. This also put a strain on our relationship. She began to treat me as a friend and not as a husband. She still cared for me and we still had an intimate relationship, but the romance, understanding, and communication was gone. She had told me on several occasions that if I kept up this behavior (sitting on the couch and not really being proactive in my children's lives) that I would lose her.

Well, about a month ago, we had a July 3rd party at her parents house. We were all drinking and having a good time. I was messing with one of her good friends and sending her sexual text messages with the intention that I would send one last one standing in front of her saying "Hi!" and we would all laugh as she didn't have my number. But in the course she showed and sent one to my wife which recognized the number instantly. She forwarded it to me with the attached message "busted."

Well then I pleaded my case and we went about our night. Then later she told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore. She said that she loved me, but wasn't in love with me. She also said that the sex felt right and still felt an intimate connection with me.

I harbored these feelings for about 2 weeks, until we had a disagreement while we were out drinking again. We made up and went back home as a team again. We then began to have make up sex (which we had only done once.) We began to perform oral sex on each other at the same time. I started doing something she did not like. I knew, even in that state of mind, that she didn't like stuff like this, but I did it anyway. She tried to move to make me quit, but I still did it. We then had normal sex afterward, but she didn't orgasm like she normally did.

Then, I thought of the most vile revenge that I could have thought of, I told her "remember telling me that you weren't in love with me anymore?" To which she said: "yes." I then told her: "I know you didn't like that and I did that to show you how it feels."

She then started crying and said: "I was raped as a child!" I had forgotten. I instantly felt bad for what I had just done. I couldn't believe I was capable of such a vile act.

In the next week, I made an honest effort to change my ways. We had no longer taken time for the both of us. It was always with the kids. Everyday life got in the way of our marriage. We sat on separate couches and never talked.

I began to snuggle up to her during this week while we watched TV, complimented her, and bought her flowers (tiger lilies, her favorite.) Well, in this week, I had to work about 64 hours due to a vacation of a co-worker. I came home everyday at 2 to have espresso with her. She did this everyday as she is Italian and has done so her whole life.

On Saturday, we were hosting a get together/dinner at our house. We ate and drank and had a good time. But during the night, she told me: "I know you're cheating on me." I wasn't cheating on her. This angered me.

I went about my night drinking and carrying on. I went to the community pool and had a good time. I eventually laid down on one of the lounge chairs and passed out. I threw up all over myself. She came up there and cleaned me off and covered me with towels, all while I was out.

When everyone woke me up, I was in a full blown RAGE! I took it out on her and only her. I yelled and screamed profanity at her. I took a walk to cool off, but it only served to make me even more angry.

I busted into my house with authority and went upstairs to our room, where she and several friends were at consoling her. I yelled at her some more.

Then, my friend had taken me back outside and talked me down. He began to text one of his friends and I took the opportunity to go back inside. I saw her in our bathroom on the counter scared and crying. Every muscle was tense and my fists clinched. I looked at her dead in the eye and said in the meanest tone possible: "You should be scared!" I then turned around and walked downstairs pushing my friend out of the way.

Halfway down, I punched a hole in the wall and went outside to lay in the grass. Eventually she left and went to one of my neighbor's house. She stayed the night there while I slept on the couch.

The next morning, she went to her parent's house and told them the entire story. Her dad immediately came to me and told me I broke one of his 3 rules. Which was forcing myself on her. She then came back after I requested to talk to her. She told me it was over. Of course I begged and pleaded with her that I would change. I hugged at kissed her and she kissed me back. But it was of no use. She was done with me. I began to cry uncontrollably when she left.

The next day we had an adult conversation about this all and it seemed good to me. Like we were still friends and married. But it was only about the divorce. I moved out to my mom's house that night. I swore off getting drunk again. I also have started making positive changes in my life, such as dressing better, shaving everyday, etc.

I then realized that my ADD was a problem in our relationship. I called my doctor and got on Adderall XR and for my newly acquired anxiety attack problems, he put me on celexa. I then began to seek counseling.

In the mean time, I had a friend going through a similar situation with his fiancee. He then gave me some inspirational Bible verses on morality, marriage and life in general. I took it to heart and got right with the Lord. I reconciled with my family that I had feuded with my wife. They all became my support group.

I began to start praying for forgiveness, but it didn't feel like I was getting it. I read more into the Bible and realized that I needed to forgive those who hurt me before I could be forgiven. I called everyone and forgave them.

Her family thought I was suicidal, but my family cried with me about this. I have now been praying every chance that I get to soften her heart and allow the new me to come in. It has so far been of no avail.

After 2.5 weeks, she has already hired an attorney and is proceeding with mental anguish grounds. I'm devastated. I'm getting happy and getting forgiveness from the lord, then I'm crushed by this. That was last night and I've stepped up my praying. I'm not gonna stop praying for her. I'm praying for strength, wisdom and understanding. I prayed to turn my burden over to him and let his will be done. I'm still struggling. I love and miss her so much.