Communication Is KeyIn any relationship, communication is essential.
Filing for divorce
can often be avoided and a
separation
turned into a
restoration
by implementing good communication. Many times the relationship has disentegrated because one or both parties feel like they are not being heard and understood.
Without the articulation of the real issues in a relationship, there can be no understanding and no resolutions. A lot of problems can be dealt with and solved before they get out of control simply by communicating. The effective interchange of information involves both listening and speaking in a way that is understood by both parties. ListenOne of the hardest things to do is to listen. You know you are right, or at least you want to be. You just want them to see things from your point of view. If you say it enough times, surely they will hear it. But, by failing to listen, you are missing the biggest part of the communication process. When you fail to listen, you miss the opportunity to find out what is really going on in the heart of your spouse. They may be saying that leaving the cap off the toothpaste is driving them nuts, but deep down, it may bother them because they feel like you don’t respect them enough to put it back on.The Bible Says to listen, saying that only a fool does not take pleasure in understanding (Proverbs 18:2). You should be slow to speak and to become angry (James 1:19). You preserve your life (and save your marriage ) when you guard your mouth (Proverbs 13:3). All good arguments for listening twice as much as you speak - that and the fact that you have two ears and one mouth. Ask for ClarificationPart of listening is making sure you understood what was said. You can ask for clarification by speaking back to someone what they have said to you. For example “What I hear you saying is that it really bothers you when I don’t put the cap back on the toothpaste. I understand that to mean that that makes you feel like I don’t respect you enough to bother with it, is that correct?”If your spouse has felt ignored or discounted whenever they share their feelings, over time, they likely have shut down and stopped trying to communicate with you. When you genuinely want to understand what they are feeling and where they are coming from, and demonstrate that by listening, they are more likely to discuss what is bothering them. Be KindAngry, hurtful remarks and name calling will do more damage than good. Love is kind and patient (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). The Bible says to be tenderhearted, be patient and to forgive (Colossians 3:12, Ephesians 4:32). The wonderful thing about kind gentle words is that they diffuse anger (Proverbs 15:1) helping to facilitate constructive conversation and avoiding shouting matches.Be HonestYour spouse cannot read your mind as much you might like to think they can. You need to be honest with God, yourself and your spouse. You will never be able to deal with the issues that exist in the relationship if you do not acknowledge what they are. You may not even fully understand what your issues are, especially if they stem for childhood or are carried over from previous relationships. Christian counseling may be needed to help you identify the issues and deal with them.Speak Their LanguageDo you feel like your spouse does not love and appreciate you? I felt like that for most of my marriage and assumed that to be true. I am not so sure about that now. I recently read the book the The 5 Love Languages and was shocked by what I read. It really opened my eyes to what might just have been the root of a lot of our issues.I did not feel loved nor did I feel appreciated. You see, my love language is words of affirmation. That means I need to hear you say you love me and you appreciate me, for me to know that. The reason that was a problem was, I do not honestly recall ever being told I was appreciated or loved. Because my spouse’s language was touch, there was no perceived need for any verbal appreciation or quality time together as long as there was physical touch. Needless to say, that left me feeling like I was only wanted for one thing and far from feeling loved.
So, just like speaking English to someone who only understands Japanese, you have a breakdown in communication. If your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation, you will need to speak words of affirmation to them, for them to understand that you love them. This may require some work and effort on your part because if you don’t speak the same language, it may take some practice to learn to speak theirs.
Once you learn what their language is… use it. Help your spouse understand what your love language is too so they can learn to speak it to you. The 5 Love Languages will help you identify what language you speak and eliminate some of that "lost in translation" feeling. Is Poor Communication An Issue In Your Marriage?
Frustrated because your spouse does not understand you or you don't understand them? How has, or could, good communication help save your marriage?
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