Causes of DivorceAll causes of divorce are sins. If people loved each other in the selfless, sacrificing way Jesus loved us, there would be no such thing as divorce.
The biggest lie we seem to fall for in this post-modern society is the belief that God just really wants us to be happy. I mean, He is our Heavenly Father and what father would not want his child to be happy?
If my primary concern for my children was making them happy, we would not be struggling through algebra. It would make my kids happy to never do math again. Instead, we persevere. My kids are learning that sometimes we have to do things we do not enjoy but that are necessary. If they persevere, they can overcome. Would they still learn that lesson if I simply allowed them to stop doing math because it does not make them happy?
It is not that God wants us to be miserable any more than you or I would want our kids to be miserable. It is that God is more concerned with your character and eternal values than he is about temporary moments of perceived happiness. God wants you to be filled with joy not happiness. Happiness is dependent on our current circumstances and can change minute by minute. Joy, on the other hand, exists deep within us and is a fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). It is the joy of the Lord that gives you strength (Nehemiah 8:10).
When we buy into the lie that God wants us to be happy, it is much easier to fall into and rationalize common sins that are often causes of divorce. As I struggled to justify my own actions in my divorce, God revealed to me the areas in which I needed to repent and the things I needed to take responsibility for. As the Psalmist in Psalm 139 says in verses 23-24
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; Dealing with a
divorce
is an emotionally charged situation and it can be very difficult to recognize your true motives for your actions and the real causes of the divorce. God is the only one able to judge your heart correctly. Only He can see your true thoughts and motives. If you want to walk in God’s ways, you must rely on God to lead you and to reveal to you what anxious or offensive things you are holding on to in your heart; things that could be causes of
divorce
or
separation
in your marriage.
As you read over some of the common causes of divorce below, ask God to search your heart and to reveal to you what, if any, of the following apply to you. You may find it is combination of them that has brought you to this place in your life. Ask God to
forgive
you and to free you from these sins in your life. Jesus died so that you are no longer a slave to sin but to righteousness (Romans 6:17-18). God asks us to repent from our sins. Repent simply means to stop and go the other direction. For example, if you are holding on to your pride – repent and replace it with humility. This list of causes of divorce is not exhaustive but it will give you a good starting point. Adultery Adultery is voluntary sexual or emotional relations of a married person with someone who is not their spouse. One of the few situations where permission for
divorce
was given in the Bible was to the victim of adultery. The Bible is clear that adultery is a sin (Exodus 20:14). Why would I include emotional relations as adultery? We live in a day and age where people have the ability to engage in extramarital online affairs with someone they never actually have physical contact with. Such a betrayal is still an affair. It still creates the same deep penetrating wound in the person that is betrayed. For more Causes of Divorce, Return to the List. Have a story about adultery? Write your own page, it is easy to do. One of the causes of divorce where there rarely seems to be other options because of the physical danger and emotional trauma is in the case of abuse. If the abuser is unwilling to get help, at the very least, physical
separation
would be necessary for safety.
Abuse can be physical, sexual and emotional. The stereotype would suggest it is the man who abuses the women but the opposite is also true. Abusers are generally seeking to control their victims and will use abusive behaviors to coerce them to submit to them.
If you are the abuser and want to change, you can begin by admitting you have a problem and seeking
Christian counseling
to assist you in overcoming your abusive ways. If you or your children are being abused, leave and get to safety. When and if your abuser gets help and overcomes their abusive behaviors, you can work at
restoring
the relationship. Your life and the life of your children are too valuable to be damaged or snuffed out by domestic violence. The article
If You or Your Children Are Currently Experiencing Abuse...
by Kathryn Patricelli, MA offers some great advice on how to proceed about getting to safety.
For more Causes of Divorce, Return to the List.
Have a story about abuse? Break the silence and share your story.
“The children and I always take second place to the alcohol.”
Another of the causes of divorce that has destroyed many marriages and families is addictions. Addictions to things like alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography and even work can come between you and your spouse and family. By the time these marriages end, the spouse of the addict may feel as though they have not been married for quite some time, at least not to someone who is actively part of the relationship.
An addict’s thoughts are consumed with the object of their addiction. Their life is planned and orchestrated around how to get the next fix and nothing, including their family, will get in their way. Not only do addictions create issues in relationships but they also often create other problems in areas of health, finance and law.
An addiction is a form of idolatry. It is putting something in the place of highest value in your life instead of God. It is turning to something else to meet your needs instead of the one true God. The very first commandment instructs us not to have any other gods before our God (Exodus 20:3). It is difficult to put God first when one is consumed with and distracted by an addiction.
I have personally felt the intense loneliness of being married to someone who lives in the same house but who is unreachable because they are drunk and incoherent. You can’t count on them. The only certainty is that the addiction will win every time. You can’t compete. Your spouse is married to their addiction. By the time my marriage ended, I had felt unmarried for a long time. The relationship had disintegrated to the point where we were merely roommates with a joint bank account.
If you are wrestling with an addiction that is destroying your relationship with God, your spouse and your family, please get help. Search this list of Christian Recovery Groups
to locate one in your area or search for a
Christian Counselor
near you.
For more Causes of Divorce, Return to the List.
You or your spouse wrestling with addictions? Help others by sharing your story.
“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Hebrews 12:15 One of the more subtle causes of divorce is bitterness. Bitterness begins with a seed – a comment, action or look that causes you to be offended. For example, a man comments on his wife’s weight gain (out of concern for her health) and hurts her feelings. Instead of her telling him how much his comment hurt her, she buries that pain and harbors a grudge. Every time she revisits that comment, her anger and bitterness grows. She decides he does not respect her or love her for who she is and her desire to get back at him grows.
Bitterness grows as it is nurtured and fed by focusing on it. Bitterness provides justification for being mean, cold, short tempered or unpleasant to others by tricking one’s conscience. When you focus on how the other person offended you, you free yourself from the protection of your conscience. Hanging on to bitterness and focusing on an offense may give you a slight sense of power and control. You may even be convinced that you have been appointed by God to carry out justice.
When bitterness takes root in a
marriage,
the spouse puts him or herself at complete odds against his mate. Nursing the hatred and pain causes division and virtually eliminates the ‘oneness’ of marriage and often causes divorce. As warned in Hebrews (Hebrews 123:15), bitterness defiles many. One who is on the receiving end of bitterness is also apt to respond in anger. Bitterness not only affects the marriage partners but spills over to the children and other friends and family who become targets for the anger and hardheartedness.
Divorce that is a result of bitterness is marked with anger and sometimes referred to as “irreconcilable differences.”
For More Causes of Divorce, Return to the List.
Harboring bitterness? Write your own page about how it has affected your life.
“My friend ditched her old, run of the mill, average husband and found herself a rich man who gives her everything – I think I deserve to be spoiled too!”
Oh the marriages that have ended because the grass appeared greener on the other side! It may not even be the seemingly perfect spouse of someone else that is coveted. It might be the free wheeling, do what you want lifestyle of a single person who has no family responsibilities and comes and goes as they please that is coveted. One of the causes of divorce and possibly also of theft, adultery and even murder (King David - 2 Samuel 11:1-27) is covetousness. Desiring what belongs to others is contrary to the tenth commandment (Exodus 20:17) and acting on that desire will never turn out well. Paul talks about being content in all circumstances in Philippians 4:11-13. Even though he knew what is was like to be in need and what it was like to have more than enough, he learned that our source of strength, joy and contentment comes by Christ’s power at work in us. If you are struggling with wanting what others have, pray and ask God to help you be content with what you have right now and trust that He knows what is best for you.
If you are chasing after the perfect marriage and perfect spouse, you will never find it. Every relationship will have its struggles and everyone has their faults.
Instead embrace thankfulness. Make a conscious decision to focus on and thank God for the good things about your spouse, your marriage and your life.
For more Causes of Divorce, Return to the List.
Longing for something you know is not yours to have? Share your story about covetousness.
“We just don’t love each other anymore.”
One of the causes of divorce that is unimaginable among Christians is the idea of falling out of love. To claim to no longer love each other demonstrates a total misunderstanding of what love is in the first place. If you and your spouse, as Christians, are contemplating
divorce
on the grounds of no longer loving each other, you will want to discover what love really means.
What does the Bible say about love?
In short though, love is a choice. It is not a feeling. Jesus did not have a warm fuzzy feeling when he was beaten beyond recognition and nailed to a cross for our sins. He did that out of love. It was a choice. He chose to put our needs above his own. It is that same sacrificial love that is supposed to exist in a marriage – that of being willing to put each others needs before their own.
Choosing not to love is a sin. The greatest commandment God gave us was to love him and the second was to love others as ourselves (Mark 12:29-31). When you decide you just don’t want to
love
someone anymore, you are in direct opposition to this commandment.
Loving others, especially if they have hurt you, can be a hard thing to do. Marriage relationships often start out with a warm fuzzy feeling. That can't eat, can't sleep because you are thinking about each other feeling. However, that feeling is short lived and love is meant to mature to a place where each party is willing to make sacrifices for the other out of concern for each other's well being.
For more Causes of Divorce, Return to the List.
Are you feeling like you have fallen out of love. Share your story.
Greed, a sin that can take root in your heart and motivate actions for personal gain, is often a cause of divorce. Greed seeks to meet spiritual and emotional needs with things (Luke 12:15).
Someone consumed by greed might leave in their wake a trail of financially crippled ex-spouses. One who is motivated by greed may try to use the court system to keep pushing for more and more alimony and child support out of an already strapped ex-spouse(s) in order to afford more things and a better lifestyle. Someone driven by greed may even choose their mates based on their ability to provide and provide well. Should that mate fall on hard times, the greedy person is apt to look for someone else to satisfy their desires.
The Bible says we cannot love both God and money (and the stuff it buys us) in Luke 16:13. You must make a choice. For those who love God, he always provides for their needs.
For more Causes of Divorce, Return to the List.
Wrestling with the desire to have it all to yourself? Share your story about greed.
Do you hold a tally sheet of all the ways your spouse has wronged or hurt you? When an argument begins, do you constantly bring up things from the past? If you do, you are likely harboring unforgiveness in your heart. When God
forgives
us for our sins, he forgets our wrongs; he does not keep a running list to use against us later. The Bible tells us we are to forgive others in the same way God has forgiven us (Matthew 6:14-15). Maybe you have been thinking that by keeping track of all the ways your spouse has wronged you, you can justify your behavior. “Since my spouse spent a large amount of money on a major purchase without talking to me, I can too.” Competing against your spouse instead of cooperating with them creates division. If that competitive desire and constant need to “one up” each other continues, over time it can turn you into enemies and destroy the
marriage.
Unforgiveness, left unchecked, leads to bitterness. For more Causes of Divorce, Return to the List. Are you or your spouse a list keeper of wrongs, unwilling to let go of the past? Share your story. To find additional help on working through the causes of divorce that may have contributed to the breakdown of your marriage, you can check out the section on finding support. What Caused Your Marriage Breakdown?What is your first hand experience with what causes divorce? We all have different experiences. Sharing your story may help someone else. What Did Other Visitors Say Caused Their Divorce?Click below to see contributions from other visitors to this page...
Cocaine and Multiple Lies...
Weed Addiction
My husband committed adultry
Adultery x 4
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Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. 
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