A Matter of Trust

Divorce is a temptation that I almost gave into...more than once.

Our relationship started with a house. Shortly after we began dating, he wanted to invest in a house (he was 27). I was young and eager to set out in life (19). I certainly didn't want to be excluded from these grand plans. Our families helped us build a house. We moved in together. We played house. We moved to a big city. We eloped. We got stressed with city living/working and got homesick. We came back to our home province and bought another house.

Through God's mercy, my husband heard the gospel. We were both baptized shortly after we found out I was pregnant with our first child. We were always busy and rarely took time to really get to know each other. But now that God was in the picture, the truth about our relationship was beginning to rear its ugly head. I would have to admit that in my eyes, he was a continual disappointment and a coward. In his eyes, he never felt worthy enough to let me in to that transparent place of intimacy; I expected too much. In his mind, it was easier not to try than to fail.

I had no patience for him and certainly no unconditional love. We were both stubborn people, so we did fairly well at hiding the fact that something was missing. I did my thing; he did his.

The first crisis came when our 1st son was born. Our disunity was exposed under the stress. I was exhausted and lonely; he was afraid of losing his freedom and failing as a father. We adored our son, but were in constant upheaval.

He wanted to escape (at the time, it was sports & work); I was frustrated to the point where I called him from my parents' home to tell him I didn't see why I should ever come home. This was a wake up call.

We were still new Christians. Our pastor knew we needed some encouragement and he had the courage to tell us that we "had" to go to a marriage conference. Through God's timing and His will, we attended. We learned a lot of things about God's plan for marriage (which we probably should have investigated before we even got married!!! But God had a plan for our lives and he wasn't going to give up on us).

The main thing that we learned was God's plan for Oneness and how there are many forces trying to pull apart, including different expectations about marriage, our selfish nature (eg. giving love based on merit), trials and how we deal with them, and extramarital affairs (including work or activities that we put above our spouse).

That weekend, we were showered with information and encouraged to dialogue with one another...and it was very difficult and very uncomfortable. We both knew that we had no choice but to see things God's way. I was astounded to find out that my view of my husband was very clouded by my selfish views. I was surprised to learn that I never said anything nice about my husband, that I would even cut him down in public and even argue with him in public; I was also cold and un-affectionate. It was a real eye-opener for me.

So as much as I had believed that he was incompetent at meeting my needs, it was humbling to see how I too had failed. It was very difficult to even apologize because of bitterness. But, we started; we both committed to trying; planning to dialogue more often, spend time together and discuss things more openly.

After that weekend, we were finally set down upon the right path towards oneness. We certainly weren't the model couple, but separating was no longer an option. Knowing that God had a plan for marriage gave us the courage to continue on; the determination to attempt this unconditional love.

The second crisis came after I found out I was pregnant with our second child. My husband was depressed (to the point of considering suicide) and I was angry. I was totally shocked to find out how little I knew about my husband's private thoughts and fears. This time, he got private counseling (& medication) and I can't remember much about the next few years. I know the baby was colicky and my husband took ill with chronic hives the day after she was born.

I was overwhelmed, but determined to focus on the children and never give up. We also had a group from our church come to pray over us and our house. I believe there were prayers of deliverance and healing (with anointing oil). I remember this being a time in which the Lord was calling me to a deeper level of prayer and I was constantly meditating upon His promises.

Crisis # 3: Trust was being compromised. I remember that finances were a big issue at that time. We were struggling financially and I did not trust him with credit cards...constantly going through receipts and getting angry. I remember that I got to the point of desperation where I decided that I have to put this house on the market and get out of here before going bankrupt.

Then God spoke to my heart in an amazing way through His Word and the Daily Bread. It was a clear message to stay and to pray. Do not panic, but stay and pray. I stayed and I prayed. A good friend also advised me to never say the "D" word--when marriage gets difficult, one party is often waiting for the other to make the first move for divorce.

The private counseling was beneficial to my husband; the Lord was working on my heart. I had a lot of growing up to do and a lot of maturing in my faith took place during this time. I remember a Bible study in particular that was very helpful titled, "Wisdom for Mothers." I also had a friend and prayer partner who stood beside me through a lot of these tough times.

The Lord provided friendship and he met our needs through job loss and illness. We were growing in our connections with the family of God.

I remember one day I was calling out to God for help...explaining how I just can't trust my husband!! The Lord very clearly spoke to my heart: "You may not be able to trust him, but you can trust Me." A huge reassurance from the Lord that He will deliver us.

Somewhere along the way, the Lord had directed us to a new church family. We were in prayer groups and I was being mentored by someone who loved the Lord and had previously watched and prayed while her husband fought through a depression. Her testimony, prayers and tears were a tremendous source of encouragement..and our "sister" relationship was at it deepest when crisis # 4 arrived: my husband received word that his mother had cancer.

This began a season of closeness for us. We were drawn together and our Christian family was a tremendous support in prayer, food & presence. Shortly after his mother's death, my husband went downhill again. Work was commissioned based and very difficult for him to keep up with.

Finances were tight again (crisis #5). This time we both saw our choice: to sell or lose the house to the bank. I prayed all the time. People prayed with me. Little did I realize, but my husband was praying as well. The house needed to be painted to be put on the market, and we were blessed to have so many people help us.

During the last painting phase, my husband sent me and the children away so he could finish up on his own. During this time, the Lord put it on his heart to stop taking his medication. Since he was alone, the rest of the family was spared from watching him go through the withdrawal. This was a huge milestone.

My husband often expresses his thankfulness for my willingness to stick with him through the bad times and I believe that as I was learning to lean on the Lord and put my trust in Him, the Lord was showing my husband that he too needed to put his trust in the Lord by sharing his life fully with his wife.

While we hoped and prayed that the house would sell, Marriage ALPHA was being offered at our church, and through God's miraculous timing, we were able to attend. It was awesome for us to receive wonderful meals for free each week (and excellent childcare) while we dove a little deeper into our marriage.

This time, we learned about resolving our conflicts and the Lord revealed that there were deeper issues of past sexual abuse that needed to be healed. The house sold and we slowly sorted through moving (twice), finding new employment (at least twice)and my chronic illnesses (thyroid and iron) and working through painful issues of intimacy. We learned to trust one another under God's hand of protection. The Lord restored; healed and called us into ministry (my husband is now a lay-pastor).

So why do I title this little journey "A Matter of Trust"? It's not the simple story of two people in love; spouse cheats; trust is compromised; the culprit is forgiven; grace abounds...happy ending. As I look back, I can see that our marriage has been a journey of faith. We did not begin within God's framework for marriage. Simply put, we did not trust one another; but through His intervention and our growing trust in God, we have learned what intimacy truly is.

For us, secrets are no more...there is open dialogue....there is a quiet understanding...a desire to hear one another's hopes and dreams. We know that we can love because He first loved us.

I am deeply thankful unto the many ladies who have wrestled on my behalf in prayer. I am thankful unto God for the handful of men who dared to do battle on their knees with my husband; for those who dared to tell my husband what he needed to hear when he needed to hear it: "man to man" and even "father to son." We are deeply indebted. I am deeply humbled by the grace of God; by His loving kindness!

If I were to give advice:

1. Get help: professional counseling; a pastor; a prayer partner or group...be honest with someone you can trust.

2. Prayer: Don't ask God to change your spouse. Humble yourself and be ready for God to change you! A great resource is Stormie Omartian's book, "The Power of a Praying Wife."

3. BE PATIENT. It may take years to see lasting results
God Bless you on your journey.